I Believe in Santa Claus

It’s that time of the year.. sleigh bells ringing, children laughing, snow is falling..

But I’m just not into it this year. Just not feeling Christmassy (yes, that is a word.. I am a Wordsmith..)

Usually I’ve purchased everything and have mountains of presents under the tree by this point in time.. but, this year.. just not feeling it.

There was a time when I’d make pajamas for my kids and all the neices and nephews.. one year I made them all teddy bears.. Over  the years – back when I was Martha freakin’ Stewart — I used to can salsa, make marmalade, hot pepper jelly, caramel corn, wine and chocolatey delights and make gift baskets for everyone.  I’ve also been known to quilt things, make ceramics, fashion some stained glass pieces, and make other forms of art.

This year…. nada. In fact, I’ve only purchased one gift.. for my ex-husband, strangely enough.

It got me to thinking why I wasn’t so “into it” this year.. maybe it’s because I don’t have my own little house to decorate. Money is certainly a consideration..

When I was young, I began being excited as soon as the Sears Wish Book came out.. circling the Barbie houses and cars and other fabulous toys that I desired. December 1st the Christmas countdown would begin.. and so would my snooping.

Every Thursday night, my parents bowled and we would be babysat by a lovely girl named Valley.. a pretty girl, but with terrible acne as I recall.. poor thing.  I’m pretty sure that she thought I was the best kid in the world to babysit as I’d stay upstairs playing all night.

Unbeknownst to her, I was in my parents bedroom closet, opening their suitcases.. where they had hidden all the Santa gifts.  I’d carefully take all the Barbies out of their boxes, play with them.. then put them back into the boxes before my parents got home.  Mind you, my Thursday night ritual came to a halt when one of the neighbourhood kids went home crying after I told her there wasn’t any Santa and your parents bought all the gifts.  Never could keep my mouth shut.

Even knowing exactly what I was getting for Christmas didn’t spoil it for me… I’d still be up at about 4am… MAKING my sister Barb get up with me (How on EARTH could she STILL be sleeping???)  Sneaking downstairs to get first look at our gifts…

One year.. when I still believed in the Jolly Old Elf.. I decided that the display of gifts wasn’t quite equitable and moved some things around.. or more correctly.. helped myself to a few of the things my sisters were to get and put them in my pile (Our Santa didn’t wrap gifts..) The next morning my mother assured me that the things I had moved were for my sisters. #FAIL.  HOW did she KNOW?? I remember thinking..

My sisters and I .. Christmas in Pembroke 1979

hmmm…

When my children were small, I WAS Santa Claus.. shopping for the many gifts, hiding, wrapping..   Katy was about 9 when she stopped believing but maintained she still did.. which kind of had me worried.  Finally I figured out that she thought if she admitted not believing, she wouldn’t get gifts..

Of course, then there are always the Santa questions.. like, why do some kids not get anything from Santa?  I explained to Katy that the parents had to pay for the gifts.. Santa couldn’t afford to just give away stuff anymore.. what with the economy and all.

Having so many great Christmases, I’ve found it odd that I’m not so inspired this year.. until today.

I was out walking the dogs, as is my habit… and it was quite icy out.  And,  despite the salt spread on the path in the park close by, it was slippery.  I was heading back when we passed an old woman who was walking slowly down the walkway.. and as we went further up the path I heard her yell out..

She had slipped and fallen on the small hill at the bottom and was in a heap on the sidewalk.

I turned back with the dogs .. hooked them onto a post and struggled to help her up… but she was hurt.. and a little heavier than me.. so it was difficult.

A passing motorist noticed me trying to help her and he stopped.. and another car stopped as well.

This nice man, who appeared to be on his way to work, helped me get her to her feet.. and then he offered to drive her wherever she wanted so she’d avoid falling again.  She appreciated the help and said yes, she’d take a ride home as she appeared to have hurt her ankle.

She thanked us both profusely, “god blessed us” .. and wished me a very happy Christmas.  And her new friend gave her a ride as I walked back home.

Which makes me believe again.. in the kindness of strangers.. that two people in cars stopped to help.  In the spirit of the season… the joy, the love, the caring.

Because,  really.. isn’t that what Santa is all about?

Life: Things are going well

Love: I really do love Christmas.. I know I’ll feel more into it soon..

Pants: all too big.. better put that on my “wish list”

Sign, Sign.. Everywhere a Sign..

I’m a great believer in “signs”.

In all seriousness.. there are times when I am pondering something.. a problem, a situation… and I will ask the Universe to send me a sign.  It could be a song on the radio.. an object.. or a literal sign.. like a poster or something.

I’ve seriously had situations where I’ve say, been thinking about a personal situation and asked for an indicator.. and suddenly, in front of me,  the person I’m thinking about’s name plastered on the side of a truck or something.

Or I’ll be in the car and worried and ask for a song as a sign that perhaps I shouldn’t give up hope.. or something to point me in the right direction.. and a specific song will come on..

Now, I have some friends who mock me for this.. and they can all they want.. their prerogative and all.. and yes, I’m a little crazy (but hey, I just let the crazy out in little bits…) But, with the songs for example, I will “ask” for very specific songs, or a particular artist.  Recently I was pondering something and a “special” song came on the radio.. it’s an album cut so it’s not likely to be heard often.

Within a couple of days I heard that song.. ON THE RADIO.. 3 times.  And on different stations. Very odd indeed.

I’ve also found random objects.. and of course, there’s my license plate obsession.

On more than one occasion I’ve been driving along and asked for a “sign”.. and then run across a license plate that held a special message for me… One day I went to a mall that I don’t usually frequent.. thinking about a problem.. and in my head asking for a sign/solution/guidance… what have you.. I pulled into a random parking space .. and the car in front of me had the license plate UNSTUCK. Well, that word speaks to me.. I’ve had many discussions with a couple of friends about being “Stuck”.. not being able to move forward in some areas of life.. and we all agree it’s up to the individual to get themselves “UNSTUCK”.. I have taken that as a sign to get my ass moving…

I was out for a walk the other day and came to a realization about a situation.. right afterward, a car drove by with the license plate “EPIPHANY”. Like, seriously, what are the chances?

So.. keeping this in mind..

My daughter and I see this one guy EVERYWHERE.  He has a pretty distinctive “look”.. earrings, a goatee, wears a hat.. usually dressed in black.. looks like a band guy.

We first ran into him at a bar downtown.. then we’d see him at another place we’d pop into on occasion.. then riding his bike (yes, I realize that if people kinda live in the same area, you’re bound to run into one another.. but still..).. then another place we went for dinner.. and another and another.

Katy and I stopped for a beer at Ethel’s on Friday night.. and in he walks… sits right behind us with his book and his beer.. and sat there reading.  I was seriously contemplating that perhaps he was stalking.. I mean, how often do you run into the same person over and over?

A couple nights later, we decided to pop into the Boathouse for a pint… we’re sitting there and in he walks again!! This was getting a little too weird..   Katy, (please note that there was some liquid courage involved).. decides that THIS IS A SIGN. Maybe, we are supposed to be friends with this dude.. maybe he’s super cool and we should hang with him…????

We watched him head out for a smoke and she decided we should follow him.. he was with a couple of other people.. so she waited for a break in the conversation ….  She said hi, introduced herself and explained that we keep seeing him all over town.. he replied that yes, he’d noticed us too.. particularly a few nights earlier at Ethel’s… he was apparently admiring my jacket.

We then proceeded to have an incredibly inane conversation.  Ok, I’m being harsh. But.. yeah, dude was no where near as cool as we had built him up to be.. he had the look going on, but he was pretty boring and monosyllabic.  He wasn’t a musician (I can’t remember what he said he did..) seemed nice enough.. but.. whattayagonnado…?  The conversation was not scintillating. We were kind of disappointed, to tell the truth.

As we left that night, Katy exclaimed “YEAH. That TOTALLY was not a sign! Plus, now when we see him we might have to hang with him…” LMAO.  Well, at least we made a new beer buddy.

As for my signs.. I’ll stick to hearing them on the radio…

Life: Things are going well… thanks for asking

Love: My horoscope claims that things are going to “heat up”.. .hmmm

Pants: I hope I get new pants for Christmas as pretty much every pair I own are too big. I’m not complaining though…

100 Posts…

I just noticed today that I had surpassed 100 posts.

That’s a lot of words.  It would appear that I have a lot to talk about.. Or more likely I’m just longwinded ..a bit of a babbler..

Regardless, I was taking a look at the original reasons that I started this blog… and thought I’d see how much I’d “progressed”.. if at all….

So, to revisit.. Here are what amounts to my New Year’s resolutions.. and thoughts on the same…

one of my many recent adventures.. this was Oktoberfest.. good times!!

• Get a job. Preferably one I love and can utilize my skills – mocking others and my insane knowledge of useless trivial information. I am thinking “game show host”.

I, unfortunately, have not become a game show host. I KNOW! What a waste!  However, I have discovered that my ultimate goal is to be a writer.. well, I’m already a writer… but I mean write and get paid for it… like, huge money.. . You know, be on Oprah and stuff.. … Now, as far as the job dealio is concerned, I haven’t secured a traditional 9-5 thing.. which is great.. because I’m really not a 9-5 type of chick.. One thing I’ve discovered is that I like working from home.. or wherever I happen to be.. and also like to work at weird hours (that’s the bohemian creative thingy there methinks..)  So, I’m doing some consulting work.. which is very, very cool. I like it.

• Move. I love the house I bought. LOVE IT. That’s the biggest bitch about this whole deal. However, I want to live closer to Waterloo where I can see my kids more regularly and be near my friends and people that I love. Do they have any game shows in Waterloo?

I DID move.. to St. Catharines.. to live with my BFF Jodi.  Which is awesome because she rocks.  However, ultimately want to be back in the K-Dub.  I love Kitchener-Waterloo. A LOT.  Big fan.  I am saying aloud that I plan on being back by February.. putting it out into the Universe, so to speak.. gonna make it happen!

• Find me a boyfriend. I like boys. A lot. However, I seem to be somewhat smarter than many of them and this seems to scare them off. Or it’s my insane good looks. Or my lack of ego. Or the fact that I have spent the last month in my rec room and actually don’t meet humans. I am also removing myself from any internet dating crap (more on that another time). Time to put on my big girl pants and meet aforementioned humans.

This is a tricky one. You see.. I haven’t been ENTIRELY truthful when it comes to the “love” section of the blog.. well, I did take myself off all the internet dating stuff.. mind you, I had a relapse and went back on for a bit.. Chatted with a few guys.. but.. really didn’t have any interest in meeting most.. met a couple.. and.. yeah, not so much. And, removed myself again.

So, to be truthful about this.. hmmm… well, I’ve had some “dates”..  and they were fun and all.. a couple of boys that I liked.. but.. y’know.. nothing came of it.. didn’t work out for various reasons.. so there ya go.

And I’ve rethought this actually.. I guess I don’t so much want a “boyfriend” as just a social life.. which I actually have!! I’ve had a lot of fun lately.. meeting new people and doing fun stuff with some great friends. And really.. fun is the operative word.. I mean, I could “have a boyfriend” if I REALLY wanted one.. I get asked out and stuff. . but.. I want the “right” guy.. ..smart and funny.. Should I be cruising the Perimeter Institute? Comedy clubs?

I know there’s a guy out there for me.. the Universe will send him my way when it’s the right time..   So I’m in no rush.. and not worried about it. Obviously whoever he is is just not ready for me yet.  After all, I AM a lot to handle….  I’ll just have fun in the meantime!

• Adopt a healthier lifestyle. i.e. more veggies, less crap, less liquor (unless it’s a special occasion, like, Tuesday..) more exercise. This will be my greatest challenge as you actually have to get off the couch….

This one.. I’ve been.. pretty good with.. I have been eating less crap.. and have been getting more exercise (really should do more crunches though..) I walk dogs for about 60-90 minutes a day (about 5-6K) and all my pants are too big.. so that’s going pretty well. Less liquor?  Well.. ..  let’s put it this way.. if I DIDN’T do all the walking, I’d likely weigh about 300lbs…

So I actually think I’ve done pretty well with them… I’m happy with my progress. But… still working on it and it’s getting better every day…

Life: It’s all good!

Love: I love my life, my friends, my family….. and Kitchener-Waterloo!

Pants: As I said.. they’re bigger.. I’ve moved in a belt notch and just last night a friend told me I was looking skinny. Yay!

Poetic Licence

I have a weird obsession with personalized licence plates.

My plate is ONE LETTER OFF from being my name (BETN 831)… I asked car dood why he didn’t stand in line longer and hold out for one that spelt BETH .. but whatever..

On his way to meet up with Bubba's 1 through 17 methinks..

Interestingly, I’ve never had a personalized plate.. it’s just never occurred to me, to tell the truth.. plus, now that BETH has been used in regular rotation, that’s out.. and I’m sure EVILGENIUS is taken.. or various variations thereof… In all seriousness.. I take pictures of plates I see.. Not too sure why.. but I do like figuring out what they mean and why some of these people have them…

Obviously some are basically pitching their businesses.. which makes sense…  but then you see other ones that you wonder.. was that a gift?  Did they buy it for themselves?  What does it MEAN?  Most of all, it’s the lack of imagination behind some of the plates..

Seriously, so buddy has say, a Mustang.. and so he gets a plate that says “69 Mustang”. Whoa. So imaginative.  Or something along the lines of  “JONSCAR”. Calm DOWN Jon! Seriously, put a bumper sticker on your car that says “I’m so boring my hobby is watching paint dry”.  You get my point.

Hint: read from the right..

I enjoy the plates that you have to figure out and they’re amusing.. like the Hummer I saw the other day with the plate “HEVY MTL”… could be in reference to the car.. could be he loves Metallica..   I also dig the ones where you have to really figure it out..  One of my faves was a Ford Escape whose plate read “S CAP EH”.. a Finding Nemo reference for sure!!

Consequently, I have a tendency to look at people’s plates while I’m driving and out and about.. and take pictures of the cool ones.   And even some of the boring ones.. just for fun.  There’s nothing wrong with the ones that say buddy’s name.. they’re just kinda.. well.. dull. I mean, if you’re spending the extra $100 or whatever it is, why not get creative?  After all, you’re going to have that plate for a long time..

People use vanity plates to promote.. tell us all that they love cats or skiing or fishing or what have you.. indicate their sexual preferences or favourite band.. all kinds of interesting things..

One of my faves ever... it reads PETEBEST.. get it?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I often look for “signs”.. I’ll ask a question of the Universe.. and wait for the “sign”… and interestingly I’ve had several come in the form of plates… One day I was walking.. asked a question and the next 2 cars I saw had the plates “FNTASTC”  and then “PRFCTTIMN”…. which spoke to me… And then just today I found one that said “UNSTUCK”.. also a message.. Like, I mean.. what are the odds?

However, I don’t think I’ll get one.. after all.. all the “BETH” plates are in regular rotation and really it’s kinda boring (although whenever I see one, I take a picture of it. LOL) .. and frankly, I can’t think of anything “plate worthy”.. guess I’m just not vain enough. LOL..

But I’ll keep looking for the funny ones..

Here is an album of plates I’ve taken pics of..

and here is a flicker album of some truly hilarious ones..

Life: It’s all good

Love: See above

Pants: Wearing the dog walking pants.. Mocha’s getting restless.. .

40 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back (or why Zamfir should burn in hell…)

I had to call tech support today.. My website (www.evilgeniusmarketing.ca) would not let me upload pics. And I really really wanted that Wizard of Oz pic on there..

My webhosting service is in Vancouver.  Why you ask? Because I am a moron apparently.  A friend suggested them and I went ahead and signed up without realizing they were across the country.  Which means, if I have issues at 9am, it’s 6am there and I have to wait till noon to call the stupid ass toll free line.

I'm sure he's a lovely man, but I still want to snap his flute in half...

So yesterday I posted.. and the picture would NOT load. And I couldn’t reach them. So I emailed. Nothing.

Today.. still not working.. so I called again. Got the recorded .. “press 3 for tech support”.. and was immediately placed in hold music hell.

It was pan flute music. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute. Playing “My Heart Will Go On”.

Kill me. Now.

I mean, sure, there’s obviously a market for pan flute music.. for dentists’ offices, massage therapists, elevator music and the like.  And apparently, for hold music. REAL HUMANS don’t actually listen to this stuff, like, in their car or anything. I mean, that’s just UNSAFE… the soothing  tones of the pan flute lull you into an altered state and you crash.. see? Not good.

I think the thought is that it’s “calming”.  Yeah. It’s NOT. It’s irritating as fuck.  Seriously. First of all,  I’m a rocker. I’m listening to AC/DC as I write this. There’s no freakin” pan flute in rock music. You can add every other musical instrument ever. Bag pipes. Triangle. Flute. Pan flute is played by that crazy ass satyr Tewt in the “Mighty Hercules” cartoon. HE ONLY SPOKE THROUGH THE PAN FLUTE.  That is messed. But what do you expect… his name’s Tewt.

 

But I digress.

The first.. say.. two minutes.. were okay. I did not feel the need to kill anyone. However.. approaching minute four I was looking for the knife block. To slit my own wrists.

To avoid insanity I started looking for things to do..changed my Facebook status.. and then “liked” everyone’s posts. I was bored. It was a bad move.

I have 763  new emails informing me of everyone who also “liked” or commented on everyone else’s status.

And I wasn’t even drunk.  Although I did look at the clock and think it was 5 o’clock and cracked open a beer. Then realized the clocks hadn’t been turned back.  But that’s beside the point..

So what to do while waiting to be helped? Update my Tweets of course (not to be confused with Tewt..)

I am in tech support muzak hell.

The muzak on hold is lulling me into unconsciousness. I hate you tech support. You are frying my brain via panflute.

I just went on facebook and “liked” EVERYONE’S status. That, my friends, was a mistake. *email box filling with notifications*

.@katbron yes, it is frying my brain….. Damn you Zamfir Master of the Pan flute.

Good news everybody! I’ve received word that hot asian women are dying to meet me! Awesome! (this has nothing to do with tech support.. I just got this good news while I was “liking” everyone on Facebook…)

@meggroff no no.. yours I really really liked. A lot. Best one today. <–Meg accused me of not REALLY liking her status.

I am singing along to the pan flute version of “My Heart Will Go On”.. and  praying for the sweet release of death.

I can actually feel myself slipping into a coma…

Off tech support call.. waited 40 minutes for someone to tell me they’ll call back. Pan flute tune still searing my neurons. arrrrrrgh

@jeffsoltysiak I was on hold for 40 mins. I have pan flute inflicted brain damage.

Yay! Tech support fixed my problem! I forgive you for the pan flute. But not you, Zamfir. Not you.

Eventually I received an email from tech support telling me they reset a whatchamajiggy and the problem should be fixed.. and it was.. and I uploaded my pic.

However, I was still left with the theme to Titanic searing through my grey matter.  You can witness the terror yourself by clicking here.

My heart will go on… but my brain needs some more AC/DC therapy…

Life: Awesome!

Love: I do not love the pan flute. Just sayin’

Pants: I was wearing pants through the entire ordeal.

Have You Ever Ever Lost An Elephant?

I’m going out to buy a record player today. Yes, I am cutting edge.

I’ve kept only one toy from my childhood.. a brown stuffed dog named Jingles.  The pup was a gift on my fifth birthday from my Grandmother… and was my cherished companion every night when I slept.  Many nights I cuddled Jingles.. whispering secrets.. sometimes a few tears…

Jingles disappeared at one point around the time I was about 30.  I figured it would turn up eventually.. somewhere in the house.  Around the same time, one of my daughter’s first toys.. a small black lamb named “Bobby” (get it? Baaaaaabby…)  also went missing. Despite many searches, they remained lost.

Flash forward five years.. one day I was taking my son Josh to school and was having a chat with his grade 2 teacher when I looked down at the toy shelf.. and there was Jingles!  “That’s my dog!” I exclaimed and went on to “prove” it.. one of Jingles eyes was chipped.. and he had a wire inside him to hold his shape.. it was still bent inside from my many nights of cuddling…

And sitting beside Jingles… was Bobby!!

Mrs. Hardy and I figured out that Katy brought the toys for show and tell and forgot them. They had been sitting in her class ever since.. being played with by countless children over the course of 5 years..  Thankfully, Mrs. Hardy let me take both toys back.. Obviously, we were meant to get Jingles and Bobby back…. Katy and both have these precious childhood souvenirs on display in our respective bedrooms.

Twice recently I had occasion to talk about another childhood toy.. the Mickey Mouse record player.

My sisters and I received it for Christmas from Santa one year along with 100 kids 45’s .. we had picked it out ourselves whilst browsing through the Sears Wish Book. That Santa is SMRT.

We’d play all the records.. and dance around..

My youngest sister, Lara, was very fond of the record player and would play music all day long while Barb and I were at school.  In particular, Lara enjoyed “The Elephant Song”.  She would play the  same 45 over, and over, and over…. again.  My mother drew little elephants on the label so that Lara would know which record it was..

This song has special  notoriety in my family as a result.. .when we were much younger, the three of us started “performing” the song for our cousins and such amid much laughter. There’s a musical interlude in the song.. and when singing it at one point for said relatives, when we got to that part, we elected to insert a “nose solo”. It brought the house down.

As a result of our unique singing ability, my sisters and I have been coerced into singing said musical masterpiece at various family functions.. particularly weddings…. the nose solo is still the highlight of the tune.

So twice in the last week the subject of the infamous Elephant Song and the Mickey Mouse Record player has come up. I’ve never been able to find this song on the interwebs.. and I’ve never run across anyone else who’s even heard of the song.. until I sing it for them in my most operatic  vibrato…  Katy and I even performed the song one evening for her boyfriend… and yes, he lost it at the nose solo….

I was out for a walk yesterday and while waltzing down King Street I looked into a store window… and there it was!! The Mickey Mouse record player!  Mickey’s outstretched arm across the turntable as if he was pointing at me.. “Beth! Look! It’s your old pal Mickey!”

I am a huge believer in “signs”.. and this one was certainly directed at me.  On the turntable? No, not the elephant song, but a 45 about “Meditation and Self Realization”… message noted, Universe.

I’ve been re-evaluating and soul searching and working on various self improvement for a while now.. and I certainly believe this message was aimed directly at me.. plus, the thought of that record player and the joy it brought us brings back many happy memories..

I had dogs with me, so couldn’t go in… I called the store later in the day and yes, it’s for sale. I’m going to get it today… and perhaps look through their 45’s for the aforementioned paean to pachyderms…

I’ve never, ever lost an elephant… but I did lose my stuffed dog once.. but more importantly, I’m continually finding out more about myself every day.

The Elephant Song

Have you ever ever lost an elephant? It’s really quite a silly thing to do

But there’s something even sillier.. and that is losing two

And that’s what we have done today.. Arthur and Celeste have run away..

Their mother’s crying and worried so… oh where oh where did our elephants go?

We have lost 2 little elephants.. we’re looking north and south and east and west..

for two thousand pounds of dear little elephants.. named Arthur and Celeste.

(insert nose solo)

And that’s what we have done today.. Arthur and Celeste have run away..

Their mother’s crying and worried so… oh where oh where did our elephants go?

We have lost 2 little elephants.. we’re looking north and south and east and west..

for two thousand pounds of dear little elephants.. named Arthur and Celeste…

Arthur and Celeste….

Arthur and Celeste…..Arthur! Celeste!….

Life: The universe is conspiring on my behalf

Love: I love when interesting things happen

Pants: Walking a lot every day.. for exercise and for the adventures!

A 5 Year Old’s Guide to Hitchhiking

When I was five years’ old I hitchhiked. 

At one point, my childhood friend Julie and I were standing in her front yard and she showed me that if you stuck your thumb out, then someone would stop and give you a ride.  So really, it’s all her fault.

This is me at age 1. I couldnt' find a picture of me at age 5. But I was cute. Trust me.

Here’s what happened.. one lovely summer’s day, my family and I (Mom, Dad, Barb, Lara and myself..) were on the way home in the station wagon and we needed to stop at a Mac’s Milk for.. well, milk. My sisters and I were kind of fighting and my mother was very annoyed with us. 

My dad ran in to get the milk and as he was heading into the store, he noticed a bird’s nest in the rafters and commented on it and how you could see the baby birds.  We wanted to get out of the car to look, but my mother wouldn’t let us because we weren’t behaving. I was annoyed. I wanted to see baby birds!

We went home and I think we had to all go to our rooms since we were misbehaving.  Well, let me tell you.. the misbehaving was just beginning.

We lived in a bungalow at the time and my bedroom window opened onto the front porch. Being the amateur escape artist that I was… I decided that I didn’t want to stay in my room and climbed out the window and went to Julie’s house. 

Julie wasn’t allowed to come out.. so for some reason, I decided that it would be a good idea to walk to the Mac’s Milk to see those baby birds.  I  craved adventure.

Please keep in mind that I was 5 years old. And that Mac’s Milk was located at the intersection of Hwy 8 and Hwy 20 in the east end of Hamilton Ontario. And it was about one and a half miles from my house. This I was unaware of.. being 5 and all.

So I started walking.. walking all the way down King St (Highway 8)… and passing by numerous things that I had only ever passed in the car, but was curious about. Like a little shed that my sister Barb and I were SURE was home to some elves or gnomes.. in reality, it contained water pipes. I was deeply disappointed.

When I finally got to the Mac’s Milk I looked up to see these baby birds. And saw NOTHING. No freakin’ nest. No freakin’ birds.  Awesome. I looked and looked. Nothing. Suckage.

I started walking back toward home.. and I was tired. (Remember? Five years old.. over a mile.. short legs.. )

I suddenly remembered how Julie told me that if I stuck my thumb out I’d get a ride. So I did. And a car stopped.

It was a black car (a Chev I believe..) with red interior and there was a man and a lady with a scarf on her head. I got in the car.. and they asked me my name and where I lived.  And we started driving and I gave them directions.

(At this point I’d like to thank God, Jesus, Buddha and Allah for sending these people instead of psycho killers. Thanks.)

We headed toward home and at some point it suddenly struck me that I might get into trouble for this little adventure. I tried to get them to drop me off on the corner a block from my house.. and they refused. They wanted me to get home safely. So I had to tell them exactly where I lived.

I distinctly remember saying to them that I lived in the house where the man was washing the driveway.  (This was before we all got all environmentally conscious and you could still do said things.. ) They pulled up and left me in the care of my lovely and hopefully hugely forgiving .. father.

Needless to say, my parents were unaware that I left the house.. I have no idea how long I was gone.. but …also needless to say.. I got in a LOT of trouble. A LOT.

There are several morals to this story.. first of all.. you really shouldn’t hitchhike. Especially if you’re five. Don’t take rides from strangers. I just got lucky that they were nice strangers.  And as much as you crave adventure, be careful.  That, and I had a better sense of direction at age 5 than most adults I know do.

Oh, and if your dad tells you there’s a bird’s nest… just take his word for it.

Life: All good baby… all good

Love: Makes the world go around..

Pants: Looser.

“I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER… “

You know that movie about 4 teens who end up getting stalked by someone after they run over a guy and dump his body in the ocean?  Yeah, my summer was kinda like that.

roller coaster ride. Obviously before I suffered brain damage. Wait, look at that smile. May be after...

No, no you won’t know if that’s what EXACTLY happened until you read this post. And I won’t tell you till the end if I actually smushed a guy like in that movie…or if I just mocked something till they wished I had smushed them.  And don’t skip to the end. The program tracks those who do. Which may or may not be how that guy may or may not have ended up  in the ocean or perhaps just with hurt feelings…….

I recently noticed that summer was over and I felt like it had passed me by.. as if I hadn’t really DONE anything this summer.. so I made a list..

In early June it was my son Josh’s birthday.. the lovely boy turned 14. He’s taller than me now. Guess the “I’ll put you over my knee” threat no longer is valid. We went go-karting. I gave him money. Good day. We also played Rock Band.

Mid June brought UpTown Country.. great festival put on by a fun group of people. Shout outs from the stage from Sean Hogan and lots of hugs from people I hadn’t seen for a while. I miss y’all too. 

End of June.. Josh in his dark suit and Chucks’ graduated from Grade 8.  I am a proud mama.

Jodi the BFF’s birthday -  we celebrated by going to see the Fray with the 3^rd Super Exciting Friend, Fernando.  Thankfully, we spent much time in the lounge as the Fray is pretty near as depressing as Coldplay and therefore sorrows needed to be drowned.  On the way back to the car, we were nearly attacked by seagulls.

with my cousins in Pembroke. SO much fun

Josh got a really bad sunburn that resulted in the nickname “Lobster Boy” for at least a week.

Finally moved out of Barrie.  My big send off involved myself and my new friends via Twitter.. Robb M (@astroboy) and Jon (@JonAston) getting together for a drink.. or several.  I believe we found the answers to world peace, Peak Oil, how they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar and whether or not Britney’s breasts are real.  Of course, there were several beers and dirty martinis and all of those answers have been lost….

July 15^th. Moved from Barrie to St. Catharines to live with BFF Jodi. Thank God for Fernando and Joe and their amazing packing skills.. and for Jodi for not punching me when I brought so much stuff to her house..

Josh and I took a trip to Marineland and determined that we should get season passes which requires not only pictures, but  fingerprinting and a brain scan.  Apparently there have been issues with identical twins borrowing each others passes…  We skipped the “go up really high and then drop from the sky and hopefully don’t smash into the ground like a bug” ride as we didn’t want to climb the big hill.  We fed bears corn pops, ate pizza, saw whales, enjoyed the musical stylings of Walter Ostanek… and then proceeded to ride the Dragon Fire roller coaster 6 times or until I could literally hear my brain sloshing from side to side. 

Jodi and I took Josh across the border for the first time and we ate dinner in Lewiston.. A few days later we went across again and took him to see the Trews and met my Twitter friend Nancy (@nannerland)… and enjoyed an awesome show and people who danced in puddles.  We also fed Josh old candy out of our purses because we spent all our money on beer.

In August, we went to Kitchener and had lunch with Randy Bachman and took him to Home Hardware (you can read about that here…) I did a very long interview with him.. which you can read about here…  then we watched Bachman-Cummings that night and it was AMAZING!

Chris (Katy’s BF) and I overruled Katy and Josh with our duet on American Idol. Yeah. Even Simon liked us.

After several years I finally saw my buddy Mike Lynch .. cause he too lives in St Catharines!   We had wings and beer and I learned where 2 more dirty St Kitts bars are.. check out his music..

 Went to see the Gin Blossoms but not before I had to YouTube some of their songs cause I couldn’t think of any.  And we went to Top’s Friendly Markets. Steven was right. Sweet Baby Ray’s is the best damn BBQ sauce ever.

Went for a visit to the Ottawa Valley for my Aunt Pat’s 80^th birthday party.. great seeing all the relatives and catching up with everyone. Much laughter and fun.  Also was able to hook up in Ottawa with more Twitter friends.. Lynda Partner (@lyndapartner) and Kneale Mann (@knealemann)… awesome!

One of the adventures of the summer was going to see Miranda Lambert and Kenny Chesney in concert.  Sure, the music was great… but before we even got there we had already survived a tornado touching down in downtown Toronto and me ripping out the seat of my pants.  Again, thank god for the Amex Lounge and people with expense accounts.

Had a lovely dinner at my sister’s with our cousin Maureen.. fun fun.

My friend Steven and I went to Lewiston’s ArtPark for the final blast of the summer to see Peter Frampton. Took Josh. This time I brought enough money that he could get pizza. There were THOUSANDS of people there. I don’t believe there were any fatalities.

The Germans.. Alex & Carl.. came to visit and we hooked up for a visit while they were here. Beer, conversation, laughter and more beer. And more laughter. Carl’s website is here.. he is the authority on heavy metal .. not just in Canada or Germany, but world wide. And he likes beer.  http://carlbegai.com/

There was also much barbequing, socializing and fun.  So even though the summer is over (I was in  denial for weeks, obviously..) the fall’s been pretty good.. AC/DC.. family celebrations.. Oktoberfest.. it’s all good.

Oh, and no, I didn’t hide a body over the summer.. however I did accidentally run over a possum.  Thankfully, it has not come back to seek revenge…..

Life: It’s all GOOD.

Love: Amazing.

Pants: Looser. Again, All good.

Happy Anniversary is still Appropriate.. I think…

Today is the 20th Anniversary of the Day I was married.

All the old hilarious wedding pics are packed away.. Instead, here's a recent photo..

Now, normally people say congratulations without hesitation and give you a lovely gift or a bottle of wine and all.. especially when you reach a milestone like 20 years. However, I said it was the 20th Anniversary of my day as a bride.. not my 20th Anniversary.

We’ve been apart for 5 years now.. we separated just a few days before our 15th wedding anniversary and divorced about a year later. 

And of course, with any breakup, there’s hurt, anger, disappointment, tears, more anger, blame, yelling, silence, more tears… and after a while.. relief. And peace. At least in our situation.

I spoke with my ex husband briefly today on the phone and I did wish him a Happy Anniversary on the phone.  I’m pretty sure he had forgotten what day it was.. but at least being an “ex” he had no responsibility to remember (although he may have even if we were still married anyway.. )

The day Jamie and I were married was the Friday of the Thanksgiving weekend. I had a big white dress and big curly 80’s hair and Jamie wore a tux and cowboy boots and he too had big curly 80’s hair and a Burton Cummings porn stache.  All of our friends and family were there.. we had a great band.. the groom sang most of the night, there were a lot of great speeches and all in all it was a ton of fun.

So it’s a little sad that we aren’t together to celebrate 20 years… but I still think it’s still appropriate to consider this a “happy” anniversary.

As a result of that day 20 years ago, we had many good years together, produced two beautiful children, and many terrific memories.  Sure, we had our share of misfortune, fights and “bad” times.. and unfortunately we couldn’t get past all of what we went through.

But that’s okay.

We are who we are and where we are because of our life experiences. And really, I’m in a pretty good place right now I think.. and so is he. And most importantly, so are our  kids.

So, I think it is a Happy Anniversary of sorts.  Because regardless of our marital split, we’re still co-parents.. and although we aren’t a conventional family, we’re still family.

And I think that’s pretty cool.

Happy Anniversary Jamie. It’s all good.

Life: It’s looking good!

Love: Skip to the next one. Nothing to report at this time.

Pants: My pants are too big.. just sayin’.

I Just Proved Washroom Advertising Works.

I’m thinking of plastering ads all over the stalls of washrooms as I’ve discovered that it’s very effective and hopefully I can use it to spread my message throughout the land.

Here’s what started the whole thing.. Jodi the BFF (that stands for best friend forever, in case you’re a boy or you’ve been living in a cave) and myself decided to try to have some adventure this past weekend. We wanted to go new places, meet new people.. perhaps meet some cute boys.

We elected on Friday night to head up the road to what we had heard was a “street dance”. The road is only a few blocks away and since we planned to have a couple of cold ones, we started walking. And walking. And walked some more. In cheapass Old Navy flip flops. So it sucked.

After about nearly an hour of unintentional exercise we realized that this “street dance” was much further away than we had thought, called it quits, decided to pop into the first watering hole we came to and just grab a bevvy there. The establishment we chose had the unfortunate moniker of “The Barn”. Long story short, it lived up to its name.

We grabbed a table on the patio and shortly after sitting down a guy came over and asked to share the space. Since we’re friendly types we agreed. He explained that he was married and out for a bit with the boys.. who were “hitting on chicks” .. he just wanted to sit and relax so figured he’d “safe” with us.

it's a banana guard. don't worry it will make sense soon.

Safe? With us? ‘Splain please…

Well, dumbass buddy here proceeded to tell us that he had assumed we were lesbians.

First, let me tell you that neither myself nor Jodi has anything against anyone who is gay. We have gay friends. We don’t care, don’t judge. However, we are not gay. We are very heterosexual. We like boys.

Dumbass’s Buddy’s theory was basically that two women “our age” out together for drinks on a Friday = gay. This theory also included the fact that we were casually dressed and not all tarted up for the bar like most of the whores girls who were in there.

We're on a boat.....

Aside from being unimpressed with this “theory” not to mention the delivery (he was a jerk..) we had to wonder if others thought the same thing.  Needless to say we discussed at length why on earth would he or any other guy think that we were lesbians. 

After all, even though we live together we have separate rooms thankssomuch .. and sure, we have matching tattoos but that’s a “best friend” thing.. yes and we call ourselves each other’s “heterosexual life partners” (SEE? HETEROSEXUAL!) .. and of course, I joke that I make Jodi a really good wife – but that’s because I do the cooking…. and we didn’t REALLY change our last name to Warrcrookens (Warren and Crooks smashed together..)…  Not only that, we have NEVER changed our Facebook statuses to reflect “In A Relationship…” 

The rest of the weekend we did bunches of fun things like go for a drive, get ice cream, went to a bar that’s on a boat.. went to a parade and saw a clown band and shriners in little cars… rummaged through some antique stores and various shops.. found a place that sells “banana guards” (they’re for protection..) .. ate good food, went to a restaurant or two. You know, all things you’d do with your significant other best friend.

We even made a little trip to Niagara On the Lake to punch  play tourists. Wandered about, looked in shops and eventually stopped at a pub for a snack and a pint.

Perhaps it's the wife beater..??

When the waitress came to take our order we immediately bantered back and forth and played the “I-don’t-care-either-way-you-decide-cause-I’m-not-super-hungry” game until I finally uttered something about how I had to do everything, and Jodi shouldn’t worry her pretty little head or something like that and ordered for us both.

And after our moment bickering like an old married couple I said “crap. no wonder people think we’re gay.” And we laughed. Not the snide sarcastic laugh we usually use when mocking others but the big outdoor laughs we use when mocking ourselves.

Then we finished our snack and decided to hit the restroom before leaving.

I went into a stall and started reading the graffiti as I’m wont to do.. and read aloud the following:

“STAY AWAY FROM BARB W****** 519-578-****. SHE WILL *blank*, *blank* AND STEAL YOUR HUSBAND”

A couple of things happened then.. we realized we weren’t alone in the washroom as others expoded with laughter when we did. And I recognized that the phone number was in Kitchener. And I think I know this Barb chick.

We commented that everyone who goes in there likely reads that and then re-tells everyone at their table so often that  BARB W****** is likely becoming an urban legend. And has likely had to change her phone number.

And so it struck me  that perhaps this could be a great way of letting people know that BFF & I are not a “couple”…  you know, just casually go into some washrooms and write “Beth and Jodi both like boys” on the walls…. or we could go with the classic “for a good time…” but that seems too.. uh, slutty whorish mercenary over the top.  Plus there’s the little problem of getting into the men’s washrooms to write it.

And writing it in the womens’ washrooms I somehow don’t think is the answer.

But after some research I’ve determined the washroom advertising isn’t the answer.. after all, I looked Barb W****** up on Canada411 and she still has the same number – hasn’t had to change it due to the barrage of calls obviously.  Apparently the “ad campaign” wasn’t as effective after all. 

Jodi and I will just have to try harder to appear less “couple-y” I guess. And perhaps stop holding hands in public.

Life: Got some stuff going on, mojo workin… we’ll let ya know.

Love: You’re kidding, right?  I really did look up Barb and found her address and everything. Perhaps I should call her for hints as she seems to have no trouble with the guys.

p.s. Jodi gets plenty of dates.. I’m the one who’s dating my laptop. LOL.

Pants: Working hard but also eating hard. Again – will keep you posted.